I am in the middle of writing a monologue to accompany a concert in September, and it has been very challenging because I have the urge to create something fun, profound, intelligent, etc., but when I read what comes out, it sounds pretentious and empty to me. It also happens here, in my Substack. So I keep writing, struggling with the clumsiness of my words. Welcome to it!
This exercise of writing is also tough because you are self-censoring all the time, trying to say something smart, or at least something that seems intelligent, and seeing the result is discouraging.
My point is that I have to learn in front of you to find my voice in the text. At first, I relied a bit more on ChatGPT because I was embarrassed to publish something that wasn't worthy of my "intellectual abilities." But I started to notice a bombastic tone that wasn’t me, with words that would have never come naturally to me. Nowadays, I only use it to make sure that there are no big mistakes and that the text is somewhat coherent. But I don’t correct my imperfect writing. It’ll get better. One day. I hope.
This should serve you as an example of what one should and shouldn't do!
That fear of not being intelligent enough I mentioned before starts very early when parents and society tell the child (that is, you) that they are intelligent. And why wouldn't the child (you) believe it? Will anyone tell you that you might have been wrong all your life and that no, you are not as intelligent as you thought?
That idea is now part of my daily practice.
I am in the exercise of questioning everything I believe, including my intelligence and my views on thorny issues, and every time I open my mouth to say an opinion, I try to see the opposite side of my idea. I don't want to be attached to any concepts or ideas. Life has shown me that everything changes, and I want to be flexible enough to adapt to the circumstances.
The other exercise, which I consider even more important, is simply to accept and embrace who you are, and live it intensely, enjoy it.
That idea of accepting has cost me a lifetime with my own voice. It's an exercise that never ends, especially because for a long time I was determined to listen to and please the opinions of others: my teachers, my friends, my colleagues, over what my own voice wanted. Everyone will always have an opinion and will defend it as if it were the absolute truth. And as a singer or actor, you tend to place your value on the opinions of others. I know it shouldn't be that way, but that's what happened to me. Still, when writing or singing, thoughts about what certain people will think pop into my head. Insecurity. I think it will never go away. But I don't want to stop fulfilling dreams because of my insecurity. So, I keep singing and writing.
The interesting thing is that this same phenomenon that I have worked so much on in my voice and in my head, I see latent in my clients. The work starts by learning to listen to yourself, to recognize yourself in the sound that comes out without thinking, that already IS. When you recognize that germ, which for me is the soul of the sound (voice scientists would say it’s the efficient abduction of the vocal folds), then you can start to strengthen and develop it. But most people prefer to avoid that search because it is uncomfortable. Because it can hurt.
In these last few months, I have had the opportunity to work with a group of wonderful people who are older than me and have given themselves the chance to discover their voices, just letting what has to emerge come out by letting the body and sound express themselves. That mindset has allowed them to make quick progress, and it’s very refreshing, satisfying, and comforting when the work you do affects people so deeply. That has been my realization. The voice can be a path to self-discovery that goes beyond finding a nice voice to sing or build a career.
But you have to dare to walk it. So, this is a challenge for your self-knowledge. Well, if you are really interested in knowing yourself. Record the sound of your cell phone (“voice notes” or the app you use) during a conversation with friends. Even better if it's during a meeting! I want you to listen to your voice, analyze how it sounds. How high or low does your voice go during a conversation where you tell a story? What is the volume like? Do you tend to want to speak louder? Softer? When you speak, how much effort do you put into using your voice? I hope you discover a lot of things you hadn't noticed before. Knowing your voice is the first step. Even if you already have experience, I assure you that you will discover new things about yourself.
Let me know.
Fabián
The vulnerability and authenticity in this essay is beautiful, Fabian. Thank you for making me want to be more myself.